So how am I doing now?

It's been about 6 months since the wonderful, amazing, first day without pain. At that point, I was feeling that my recovery would continue at a rapid pace, and I'd be back to normal in no time.

I'm still not back to normal. Before I go into all my complaints, I just want to mention this. I've talked with other women about their experiences, too. These aren't women who had 4th degree lacerations or women who have been to pelvic floor physical therapy. They are women who sustained more "average" damage during childbirth. Many of them share my complaints. Their babies are generally younger than mine, but not always. It definitely makes me feel better to know that this is kind of normal, especially the accidents part.

Pain
I have pain a few times each month, usually coinciding with my period, but other times it seems to be (this is still a TMI blog, right?) a result of sex without enough lube. When I was still having lots of pain, we were over-lubing, but not so much anymore. Sometimes we don't need it. Other times we think we don't but when I'm in pain the next day I realize we did need it. I also can't wear thongs two days in a row. A thong one day is ok, but the next day I need to wear some gentler undies or I will be sore. The pain is nothing a couple of ibuprofen can't take care of, but it is annoying and discouraging.

"Accidents"
The other thing I'm still dealing with is more annoying. It doesn't happen every day or even every week, but occasionally I have little accidents. They are always caused by sneezing or a coughing fit. My physical therapist had warned me not to exercise and strengthen my tummy muscles before my pelvic floor muscles were strong again. I felt like my pelvic floor was pretty strong at 5.5 months postpartum when I started exercising. My pelvic floor muscles seem pretty strong still, and I feel that I can control them very well, but if I don't intentionally tighten them in anticipation of a sneeze or something, the slightest pressure can cause me to have a little leak. It's not complete loss of bladder control. I just wear panty liners to keep my clothes dry.

Being more active
I lost my job about 6 weeks ago. When I'm home, I'm on my feet more. I think this has caused my two chief complaints to appear to get worse. Even back when I was in pain every day, I was usually ok when I was sitting. And even when I had no bladder control at all, I didn't pee my pants when I was sitting. So I feel like the fact that my working lifestyle was to sit for 8+ hours a day made me appear to be more recovered than I actually was. And the appearance is that I've gotten worse these past 6 weeks, but actually, I believe it's just a result of me being more active.

At this point, I am kind of afraid that I may be dealing with this forever. It just seems to be a part of my life now.

I continue doing my Kegel exercises, though I must admit that I forget to do them sometimes. I weaned off my alignment exercises/stretches (for my crooked pelvis and tailbone, which were causing the majority of my pain, if you remember) long ago. I am interested to know if I'm still in alignment. But, the fact that crooked bones aren't pulling at my muscles and my scar and hurting makes me think my alignment must be pretty good still.

Future
In the beginning, I felt that the physical therapy would get me back in good enough shape that if I, hypothetically, have another baby, I could give birth vaginally without causing myself so much damage. Now, I am certain that if I get pregnant again, I will insist on having a c-section. I absolutely, 100%, never, ever want to go through all this again. The doctor who referred me to physical therapy said that next time it is very likely that my damage will be even worse. No. Way. I'm not going to risk it.

I think I will reassess myself in another 6 months.